All the way to America

Observations from an alternate reality

University of Maryland, Baltimore County, Mrs H and me with True Grit

I’m feeling suitably guilty. I was in the US recently with Mrs H. visiting Iona, my daughter, who is studying in Baltimore for a year.

Initially, I considered getting there by boat, a transatlantic voyage. The thought of a cruise anywhere fills me with dread, but Cunard’s Queen Mary 2 (QM2) still maintains a crossing not a cruise throughout the year.

I’m not sure what the difference is, but my interest was piqued at the thought of experiencing a significant historical journey. Even better if it sailed from Liverpool (unfortunately not, it’s Southampton).

The QM2 is a proper ocean liner built with extra strength and power to withstand the rigours of the North Atlantic in all weathers. Two sharing their cheapest stateroom costs a little more than a business class flight (each), which includes 7 nights accommodation, food and entertainment. It sounds better value than a plane, provided you’re happy with a week at sea, two if you want to return home again.

Alas, I was swayed by the dark side and modern convenience. We flew on a very new and full, Virgin Atlantic Airbus. Small solace that I could divide my selfish carbon quota, slightly more efficiently.

The lady in the suit

Trying to concentrate at 7 o’clock in the morning is rarely easy. Even more so, when you’ve only had an hour or twos sleep on a night flight back from the US.

The smartly dressed lady in front of us was trying to use one of the many biometric turnstiles to escape Terminal 3 at London Heathrow.

She’d been rejected, with a message recommending to seek assistance. That’s almost impossible when several flights collide at the same time and a vast stream of humanity crowds the exits like a plague of locusts.

She wanted to step aside, regroup and let Mrs H. have a go, but she was persuaded to try again. After all, we weren’t in a hurry, there was luggage to attend to after this test.

Success. The barrier opened and the US citizen in business attire, escaped to a wet and windy Monday morning in London.

What a pleasant surprise to witness Britain doing something far more intelligently and efficiently than the US for a change. Let me explain.

Our arrival in New York

When we arrived in New York, Johnny foreigners are not allowed to mix with American passport holders. The blessed are cosseted away to a minor inconvenience at the end of the hall, while everyone else is expected to join a growing queue to meet a uniformed custom’s officer, secure in glass bubble. As I waited, I noticed the signs had changed. We’re no longer aliens, just visitors. Hopefully, we now pose less of a threat.

They shouldn’t have bothered. Their charmless welcome was as officious and unfriendly as ever.

Our officer decided to up and leave when we joined her queue. No explanation, aside from, I’ll be back. The half dozen people waiting were not allowed to move to other queues which continued their slow progress.

I was sent to secondary as usual; a place where more experienced officers decide whether they’ll deport you. A 1994 administrative error, when my 90 day visa, if you remember those green tickets, wasn’t processed on leaving the US. I’ve been a special case ever since. I’ve given up trying to get it fixed.

Off the tourist track

Visiting Iona, meant our holiday was not limited to the bright lights of New York. After three days there, we took an Amtrak train to Philadelphia. I’ve always wanted to travel on one of their inter city routes. Next time we’ll pick one which travels overnight, an east-west adventure perhaps. If there is a next time.

Philadelphia is a great city, bestowed with many monumental historical events, not just the famous Tom Hanks and Sylvester Stallone movies. We should have stayed longer, but the itinerary and car hire had other ideas.

Britain and America are two nations divided by a common language

Attributed to Bernard Shaw or Oscar Wilde, it cleverly sums up the gulf between the two countries, politically, culturally, gastronomically, environmentally, even how we drive.

The US freeway is a dangerous place, more so when it rains and trucks are involved. I have to admit, I like the idea of being able to legally undertake other vehicles. But on 4 lane plus highways, it quickly becomes a dodgems at the fair ground experience, not a motorway with rules and a modicum of discipline. Less dangerous but odd, are their stop signs which had to be explained on the university campus. You stop, even if there is nothing to stop for?

Their sign language is also over complicated and dictatorial. Where we would say right lane only, they prefer, if you use the right lane, you must turn right. It was a big sign with too much to read.

I like the fact that if you want petrol (gas) or a coffee, you are guided to local amenities, not a service station. Until the signs stop and the food on offer, when you finally find the mini mall is always of the fast variety. The uniformity in unhealthy rubbish across the the three states we visited is depressing.

I equate the whole experience to an alternate reality. At a glance, the world appears the same, reinforced by the same language, once you’ve gotten over the accent. But the overly friendly greetings combined with other subtle differences, like a picture perfect university campus, make you question whether The Stepford Wives, was a fictional series after all.

It’s just wrong - a quick example

The UMBC campus (regional Baltimore) has a well-stocked merchandising shop, but no bars which sell alcohol (21 being the drinking age). They also have a mascot, a black retriever, which adorns much of their stock. The dog, which is called True Grit, even has its own statue (see photo above).

Freshmen (correct US term for both sexes), joining the university for the first time, have their parents in tow, as you might expect. But these loons are wearing sweatshirts with Mom or Dad UMBC, emblazoned on their chests - Go Retrievers. Surely the kids are desperate for them to go home instead, like every normal 18 year old I’ve ever met?

Bigger is not always better

The problem is neatly summed up. US consumers need to start thinking differently. The US news I did briefly catch often mentioned the extortionately high price of petrol at the moment, yet it was still the cheapest consumable we bought on our whole trip, with close to dollar pound parity.

Jamie Dimon, CEO of JP Morgan Chase, the biggest bank on earth, told a congressional panel last week that they had no plans to stop lending for the expansion of the oil and gas industry. To stop would be, the road to hell for America.

Such a long way to go